A friend posted on a social media site something
about spanking and that the argument against it is being overblown,
misunderstood and that today’s children/youth/young adults lack discipline and
could use a good swat or two to get/keep them in line. My friend used the “I
was spanked and I turned out ok” argument. This was my reply (edited for
clarity):
Yes,
many (not all) children lack discipline, but spanking is punishment. These are
very different approaches to assisting our children to be productive members of
society. Not using spanking takes patience, energy and endurance, but is
doable. Working with other people’s children makes you develop other skills to
assist the wee ones to do what is required of them because you cannot hit them
to make them mind!
I
was at a conference where a national advocate for abolishing the law that
allows hitting our own AND other children (Section 43 of the Canadian Criminal
Law1). I went up to her and said that when I was a young parent we
were told “don’t spank” but were never really told what to do instead! She
agreed that parents need alternatives. I maintain (& my very young children
supported this viewpoint) that “The Brady Bunch” parenting method doesn’t work
on even a few very young children
(“Now Jan, you shouldn’t do that”). 2
Attachment
parenting has some very good concepts that work…it takes effort but I would say
it would really be a great base for parenting strong secure humans. That is,
attachment parenting as presented by Dr. Gordon Neufeld, not what we read in
small titbits in popular magazines or extreme websites. His stuff is based on
solid research and experience.
Little
wee ones CAN understand more than we ever thought/think. It just has to be
presented in ways they can understand and not overwhelm them. Picking a child
up and removing them from where you don’t want them isn’t wrong. You just might
have to repeat this often.
Time
out works for some, but it has to be used sparingly. When a child is tired,
hungry or in a disequilibrium state (you know, those times when your sweet
child behaves like they’re possessed—similar to those chocolate bar
commercials), they need you
more at that moment than being separated from you. But if you are also not in a
stable state (ie: “Mommy you’re ugly when you’re mad”), then separating yourself
mentally or physically from each other is ok. It is better to say nothing and
talk later when in control of your words. The payoff from putting forth the
effort into developing discipline in your children is a big relationship
payoff. And they won’t have to “work through things” before they have their
heads on straight (well, we’re not perfect, so substantially less things). And
that is a good thing isn’t it?
Another
friend mentioned having to “work through things” and I’m sure that one of those
“things” was an incident when he/she3 was quite young and touched
the hot stove. Now most mothers of that era (50’s-70’s) would just slap the
hand and say sharply “don’t touch! HOT!” His/her mother chose to take his/her
hand and place it directly on the hot burner. Now when I heard this I didn’t
know much about child abuse or even thought twice about being spanked but I
knew what occurred in that kitchen was wrong. Very wrong. I said nothing not
only because I didn’t want my friend to be shamed, but because the only thing I
could think of was “that’s child abuse”. Now I don’t like to hurt my friends’
feeling (sorry if I have!) and this was a very new friendship (37 yrs. now) so
I didn’t know how that would be taken. I also figured that if this was the kind
of family my new friend came from, knowing a kind person (that would be me)
could only be a good thing in my friend’s life.
(1)
Section 43 of the Criminal Code(1)
reads as follows:
Every schoolteacher, parent or person standing in the place of a
parent is justified in using force by way of correction toward a pupil or
child, as the case may be, who is under his care, if the force does not exceed
what is reasonable under the circumstances.
(2) Here is a
link to someone who saw how "The Brady Bunch" parenting method could
work & tried it: http://www.blogher.com/why-read-parenting-book-when-you-can-just-watch-brady-bunch?page=0,1. Her
interpretations are similar to Dr. Neufeld's concepts.
(3) My attempt at hiding my friend’s identity as much as possible. I
don’t repeat this sad moment so I’m doing what I can to keep it a very personal
moment between us.
